To Be
by letodian-peony
Summary: An experiment in using music as a muse and trying to capture a feeling from a song. Eight excerpts based on eight of my most played songs. Kirk/McCoy or Kirk/Spock, rated T for some strong language.


AN: Eight songs, eight short pieces. I went into my music library and picked the eight most played songs, and I had no idea that I listen to so many sad songs. The pairings are either Kirk/Spock or Kirk/McCoy. I think it's easy to tell who the characters are, if not, ask.

Disclaimer: Don't own rights to Star Trek, nor the music.

Enjoy.

* * *

_**Running Up That Hill – Placebo**_

It was hard to live this way. He wished that he could convey this, to show him that this hurt so badly, the vague words, empty touches, the distance that only grew wider and wider.

He internalized everything. He didn't want to be open, to show how much this meant to him, how much it was hurting him that this was falling apart and he couldn't bring himself to do anything.

"I know you never wanted to hurt me…" He began, his voice giving out. "I know that, but I'm not an experiment. You can't use me." There were so many words running through him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to grasp enough of them to say what he meant. "If you could only feel what I do. Maybe then you'd be able to understand, maybe then you could see how goddamn _destructive_ you are. Maybe then this could work. If we could only switch places, if you could just _see_ what you do to me. But we can't, and I'll never be able to understand you."

This was so destructive, but isn't how they've always been with each other? They would probably never be able to be together without hurting each other. Both of them were so desperate for something, something they sought in each other at the expense of each other.

They were pulling each other asunder.

He knew this couldn't be any other way. But that didn't make it easier to deal with.

"Can't you say anything?"

_**Song To Say Goodbye – Placebo**_

You were always so tragic, weren't you? So small and fragile underneath it all. I can see how much you need, I can see that you seek confirmation, someone to help you up, a haven a shelter. I can _see_ all the things you need, but you push me away.

I can give you everything, but you won't let me. I know you're hurt. Do I have to force you to see that what you're doing is illogical? Why do you insist on doing this to yourself? If I didn't love you so much I wouldn't be able to watch you do this to yourself.

You always seemed like nothing could affect you. You could luck your way out of anything and everything. Everything except for this. No matter of ingenuity or luck could save you from this. Your voice could cut right through everything that had locked everyone else out. Your words could bring me to tears if I could cry, and I would cry for you if it would make you see how I felt.

Your stubbornness is only hurting the both of us. I know you can see it because you are always apologizing to me, even though apologies mean nothing.

I try to snap out of your self-destructive behavior, but you fight so hard. I know that its your comfort zone, but if something isn't done, everything will fall apart.

I can't let that happen to you.

Why can't you see that you mean so much to me?

_**The Bitter End – Placebo**_

It's so much easier to not feel anything. To be numb, emotionless, empty and distant, but it just couldn't be that way, no, not with him.

He relaxed into the chair, the mass in his arms resting against him like dead weight, heavy, but it was comforting.

It had become nearly impossible to ignore that strange gravitation, their underlying attraction, that pulled them together, stronger than any force. It was burning, a slow lingering flame that brought a light inside of him that warmed everything, softened it until that illogical human could mould his very core with those calloused hands.

It had taken them so long to be able to admit. They had been together through so much, and every time Jim returned injured, every broken bone he suffered, every fight he won by the "skin of his teeth," as he had explained once, he knew that he wouldn't be able to get over if anything ever separated them permanently.

Every time they had gotten so close to admitting to each other everything, Jim would bow out, his excuses slowly lulling him asleep to find a nightmare.

They were so careful with each other, afraid one wrong move would end this bitterly and severely. This was so much like suicide, but as long as it lasted it only grew stronger, and the weak connection between them would eventually be enough to make them realize that as weak as they felt, only they could hold each other together.

_**Message In A Bottle – The Police**_

Of all the people in the world to find me, it had to be you? You arrogant, self-important, beautiful, intelligent bastard.

Since the divorce, I had been so lost, so isolated. I was bitter and angry, and damn, I took it out on you so many times, but you never left, even when I wished you would. It feels strange to admit it, but I love you, and I know this would give you such an ego stroke, but that's just a part of you, and as annoying as you are, you're that one damn beacon in the darkness and I can't help but move towards you.

For such a long time, I was stuck in a vicious cycle, and I wanted to find something to rescue me, but I was so angry and 'self-sufficient' that I convinced myself that the one person to see that I needed wasn't what I was looking for.

I couldn't believe it when it was you that figured it out, but you were always there, even when I didn't want you to be.

You're way too damn stubborn.

_**Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac**_

He couldn't look back. If he did, he'd never be able to go forward. It was a tight-gripping spiral, pulling them both down, slowly but surely. It was unrequited, at least to him, unable to fill the space left by the loss of a wife and daughter. He knew he'd never be able to be what he truly needed, and he was only hurting himself trying to make this work.

It was a risk from the start; he knew exactly what he was getting into, he knew exactly how much this would sting when the truth finally came around and slapped him in the face.

He would give everything up for him, he made him his world; the small smiles, the rare laughter, he cherished them and did his utmost to witness them. But he knew he had to go his own way because he just couldn't hold the weight of not being good enough any longer. It was taking everything from him and he was getting nothing back. It was impossible to say what would happen now, but he didn't put another thought to it. He couldn't. If he did, he'd never be able to get out.

"It's over, is that what you're trying to say?" The gruff voice, hoarse from sleep, rang throughout the room, filled it and him.

"It's what you've been saying." He replied, making his way to the door.

"I've never known you to give up so easily."

"How long did you think I could hold up in the shadow of your wife and child, Bones? I can't be their replacement, you've made that pretty damn clear."

"Then where are you going to go?"

"I don't fucking know. I'll find someone who feels bad for me, maybe they'll pity me enough to put me up until the end of the semester, because I can't do this anymore."

"Just stay." McCoy begged. "Please, just stay."

He felt his friend's hand on his shoulder. He dropped his bags and faced him, eyes narrowing, not in anger, but as a vain attempt to stop the welling tears.

"I'm so tired of this. I can't."

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to use you. You're more than a replacement to me, Jim. You're separate from them; there's just something about you that is slowly fixing everything. Stick around, for me. I know you like a challenge. I dare you to put me back together."

_**Naïve – The Kooks**_

I know that you know that I'm not fond of asking. But you always seemed to know though just when I need you, just when it all seems so pointless and stupid, to show up and remind me that there are beautiful things in this ugly world.

You were always the one person to believe in me, you helped me out when I needed you, and you never really asked for anything in return. I kept you by my side because I just couldn't see myself here without you, without your straight honesty, your ability to remind me exactly how stupid my plan was and be there when I realized it too and patch me back together with that 'I told you so' look in your eyes.

You've never let me down, you've always been there, but I'm reluctant to ask you to always be there, unsure of how to brooch the subject without stepping on a landmine. I know you're still reeling from the divorce, I know you miss your daughter, but I want you to know that, as little as it might mean to you, you have me.

I'm so naïve with this, so unsure what to do, and I laugh at myself when I stand alone in my room trying to work out the sentences to the open air and stumble over them and clam up, even though I know you can't hear me.

It's not your fault, I just wished you'd do more, show me one way or the other.

I know that you know that I'm not fond of asking.

_**Violet Hill – Coldplay **_

I never wanted to be your martyr, a soldier to fight in your grueling inner war. You took me and tore me apart, in your attempt to help yourself. I never wanted to be your martyr, but I became one because I loved you.

It was cold, and I gave you everything, so if you loved me, why'd you let me go?

I took everything to a place where I could protect it from your destruction. It was deceptive and unintentional, but so deadly. I took it all with me, and alone I sat with all of it and said nothing for nothing needed to be said, and for a time, it was silent still.

So if you love me, won't you come and find me and just let me know?

_**Now We Are Free – Hans Zimmer**_

"You couldn't know."

"I should have."

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to be."

"After all these years, it took his _death_ to bring you back? You shouldn't have come here."

"I know, but I needed to see him."

"You made your choice. He knew he would never see you again. Perhaps it was better for him. You let him go. If you had returned, you might have killed him yourself."

"I know."

"He really loved you, you know. He never really got over it."

"Neither did I."

"He's free from it now. He's finally at peace."


End file.
